ADHD Hyperfocus on Kink

Have you ever wondered where that praise or degradation kink stems from? Or if it's possible to hyperfocus on kink and fetishes? Let's talk about it on this week's episode of Aces Up Your Sleeve! We're talking about the importance of meeting your needs, libido discrepancy, differences of opinion when it comes to kink, and more!

We're answering:

• Is it normal to develop a praise kink when you grew up AuDHD and never got good feedback from parents or teachers or anyone really?
  
  
• So my husband (DX, no medication) gets these phases where he needs sex / kinky things in his life SO badly, he becomes really desperate. Like - talking about it in his sleep, getting really upset, sad, angry, dramatic about the topic etc. sometimes up to a point where the intensity of it all scares me.

Context: We've been together for 10 years, have sex on average l'a say 1-2x per week, do looots of crazy kinky things. Which I think is pretty damn great, but it never seems to be good enough for him. We also have an open relationship so he'd even be free to find other outlets if his drive is just higher than mine. But he says he needs this with me.

The only other situations where I see him getting that intense are when he hyperfocuses on problems... So I'm wondering if hyperfocussing on sexual needs is a thing that happens for people with ADHD? If so - what could be done about it?

PS: Lately he's worked on some self-reflection and communication skills, which heeeelps so much, mostly cause he's a bit more at ease and it's not always a catastrophe to him if I don't want to do something kinky or have sex. But it's still not easy and creating a lot of pressure for me...

BTW: This is part 2 of our 3-parter mini series on kink as we look forward to an event later this month. It’s called THRIVE and it’s a virtual BDSM and mental health conference. THRIVE is from May 29 - 31st, all online, and it’s by donation - your donation towards your ticket ends up going right to the volunteer staff and presenters!

On Upping the Ante, we’re helping you find ways to avoid castration and still get your desires and needs for intimacy met! We explore challenges that may be unique to ADHDers when it comes to sex, connection, and even climax. Give it a listen!

To ask us questions, fill out the form at www.neurokink.org/auys

Find more content on Patreon (18+): www.patreon.com/AcesUpYourSleevePodcast

Sabrina at www.radicalingingishtsconsulting.com or @radicalinsightsconsulting on social media (FB, IG)

Kade at www.cryptidlearns.com or @cryptidlearns on social media (FB, IG)

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

This is the Aces Up Your Sleeve podcast, and we're the Aces Up Your Sleeve in relationships from romantic to workplace, parental to platonic, your relationship with yourself, and everything in between. That led us to autistic aspect kinky therapist to be your secret weapon in neurodivergent life.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

And here's your disclaimer: this is not therapy or therapeutic advice, and we're not on the clock. What you'll hear are our thoughts on different topics, what we might do in your shoes, and how we've supported others through similar situations. Hello and welcome to the Aces Up Your Sleeve podcast. I am your host, Sabrina. And I'm Cade. And we are excited. Uh today we're recording um part of our three-parter mini-series on Kink as we look forward to an event later this month. It's called Thrive, and it's a virtual BDSM and mental health conference that we're going to be presenting at. It's from May 29th to May 31st, all online. Um, and it's by donation. Your donation towards your ticket ends up going right to the volunteer staff and the presenters. Find out more info at thrive virtualcon.com. Link to the show notes. Our topic uh that we are presenting on is autism and age play, embracing sensory joy. And that'll be on May 30th at 11 a.m. Pacific time. Uh, we're hoping to have a big free handout for attendees, uh, but it will also be available for purchase later. Um, and then I will also be part of Thrive's Cluster B panel on May 31st at 1.15 Pacific time. So we would love to see you there to join us at Thrive.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Yeah, and if you can't make it, hopefully this mini-series gives you a little bit of a feel for what might get discussed there. But I find that each year, and I've gone a couple years now, their topics are so varied, and the presenters have such different lived experiences that it's kind of cool to hear it directly from everyone who's there.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

Yeah, absolutely. I know that I am very excited for some of the panels this year, um, and a little annoyed that they like put some panels at the same time as others. Cause I'm like, I I think they have like three rooms going at any one time. Um so there's just absolutely so much content. Um so I'm very excited about it.

SPEAKER_00 2:32

Yeah, they did. They've uh for like two or three of the rooms, it's what they call their general audience track, and so that's like for everyone. And then they also have a room going for the professional track, which is mostly mental health professionals, but I think last year they had like an occupational therapist, uh massage therapist, I forget what else. I don't know if it was OT or speech, but they always have so many really skilled, knowledgeable people, and it's hard to pick where to go. I'm I'm excited that we're on like the regular general track because my last one or two has been on the pro track. And so yeah, it's cool to mix it up. Yeah, yeah. Although even uh with the pro track, like they don't check your job title. So if someone's listening and sees a really interesting professional track thing, you can just hop in. They don't care.

SPEAKER_01 3:22

Yeah, there's no no huge difference.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

I don't even think there's not CEs for it, is there? No, uh, I don't think so this year. They're hoping to in the future, but I don't know where they're at with that.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

Yeah, fair enough. So there you're not missing anything if you if you go to one or not the other, but um yeah, there's some really cool panels and and topics and things. I'm excited.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Yeah, yeah, that'll be cool. So um with our questions for today, we've got one we've got one kind of short one that we'll start with and then we'll do our longer questions. So the first one is Is it normal to develop a praise kink when you grew up odd and never got good feedback from parents or teachers or anyone really? I think so. Yeah. Yeah, I think you know, a kink is a great way to meet our needs. And so if that was an unmet need and has been for a long time from the sounds of it, it would be pretty typical to find a new way to meet the need.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Yeah, I also honestly I think it can go either way, right? Like a praise kink or a degradation kink, um, yeah, would not be surprising to me. I think especially like because there's something healing in the praise kink, there's something like in having a little bit more control in the degradation, right? Um, and then also the aftercare that comes after. Um, you know, I think that there's a lot that makes sense of like, oh, like getting called good, getting like told I did well, like, you know, all of these types of things. Yeah, of course you want that.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

Yeah. And on the flip side, it might be nice to control when people are talking to you in a negative way. Yeah. You know, you can consent to it instead of it just being flung at you whether you want to hear that or not.

SPEAKER_01 5:05

Right. And like what they're describing negatively, uh, is also then something that you can kind of choose and opt in to opt out of.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

Yeah. Yeah, for our listeners who aren't super familiar with kink, there is a huge element of, of course, consent, but also structuring before things happen and kind of agreeing on what exactly each person wants, as many people as are participating. And there's usually a safe word. And often there's also kind of a slow down word or signal that gets used. So you really have a lot more control. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:39

Yeah. So yeah, I think that that like, you know, normal's not my favorite word, but I do think that it's probably very common. Um and yeah, especially like, because a lot of the power dynamic like situations in King Grey is like, yeah, I didn't get this from caregiver authority figure, whatever in the past. And so now the caregiver authority figure that I have chosen for myself is going to offer it to me um in a way that like we've both agreed to and all these things. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 6:11

Yeah. Yeah. So short answer, yes, probably very common, very typical. And if you're listening and your your interests swung the other direction around degradation or humiliation, also probably pretty typical.

SPEAKER_01 6:24

Yeah, for sure. I think that's kind of the nice part about kink is like there's not it is kind of the beauty. The whole point is that like whether it's normal or not, it's okay.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

Absolutely. You find the folks to engage with you on that or figure out a way to do it solo, and yeah. So it's not hurting anybody if everybody's consenting. And I think maybe you all have seen some of the memes that go around, you know, that's like, are you actually submissive or are you just autistic and want someone else to structure your day? God, fuck both so much. Just I don't want to. Right. That decision-making fatigue or the executive function. Sometimes it's just easier if somebody else tells you what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Yep, exactly. Yeah. Um, the next one's a bit longer, and it's really one that did we pull this one from Reddit? Uh-huh. But it represents stuff that we get asked quite often, especially in the therapeutic realm. Um and maybe if you're a couples counselor or someone who's been looking at relationship therapy, you'll be like, yeah, this resonates with me, or some of the relationships I've been in in the past, or some that my clients have been in.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:38

So this one, uh this one says, So my husband diagnosed. I'm assuming autistic here, and that's how we're interpreting it. I think we're looking at ADHD. Oh, ADHD more. Okay. Yeah. Um so ADHD, uh, med no medication for that, so no um no stimulants. Gets these phases where he needs sex or kinky things in his life so badly he becomes really desperate, talking about it in his sleep, getting really upset, sad, angry, dramatic about the topic, etc., sometimes to a point where the intensity of it all scares me. Context, we've been together for 10 years, uh, have sex on average, I'd say once to twice per week. We do lots of crazy kinky things, which I think is great, but it never seems to be enough for him. We also have an open relationship, so he'd even be free to find other outlets if his drive is just higher than mine, but he says he needs this with me specifically. The only other situations where I see him getting that intense are when he hyperfocuses on certain problems. So I'm wondering if hyperfocusing on sexual needs is a thing that happens for people with ADHD? If so, what could be done about it? Uh, then there's a little PS. Lately he's worked on some self-reflection and communication skills, which helps so much, mostly because he's a bit more at ease and he's not always a catastrophic, it's not always a catastrophe to him if I don't want to do something kinky or have sex, but it's still not easy and it's creating a lot of pressure for me.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

Yeah. Which I think that that PS is uh something that we'll hone in on um specifically, but uh does seem to touch on something a little different than what the original question is asking.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

Yeah, there's so many layers here of things that could be at play and routes you could take this. If you're going through something similar, just know you're not alone. This stuff gets talked about a lot, especially through the lens of like libido or sex drive discrepancy as well as actual sexual interest discrepancy or differences. Very common.

SPEAKER_01 9:31

Yeah. And it's so like what it sounds like, right? The getting really upsleep talk uh getting really upset talking about it in his sleep, sad, angry, dramatic, like sounds a lot like a hyper focus or you know, like a an intense um like interest in something that is not super uncommon um in ADHD, right? And like it is hard because when it's all your brain can think about, it's all your brain can think about. And that's not really an option that he's making or that you're making, you know.

SPEAKER_00 10:07

Yeah, the place where there might be some more ability to tailor how this is being communicated would be around the outlets of these needs, because it for this person, like it's all constantly on their shoulders to provide, provide, provide. And it sounds like they do, but just not at the level that he needs, and he's lashing out instead of finding other outlets, he says it has to be this partner. That's tough.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting too, like um different people view like the word lot a lot, uh it means nothing. Like that's not a unit of measurement that's functional because that's what one person views is a lot, the other person views is a little. And there's nothing wrong with either view, it's but it is going to lead to like really conflicting needs.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

Yeah. Especially in situations like this where this person is saying, like, we do lots of crazy kinky things. We have sex once to twice per week. Some people would consider that a lot.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

And other people would consider that the bare minimum. Right. Exactly. And it it's tough to know with this question. I usually when I'm getting asked, there is also a discrepancy of what they consider crazy kinky things. Whereas one partner is like, yeah, I used to be really vanilla, and so now that we do some spanking and getting tied up, like that's pretty, pretty dang kinky, and probably as far as I can go. And the other partner's like, Okay, we're at like the baby steps of we just started, and I want us to get to this other place. Yeah. That usually the other person would uh that would be like a hard limit.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

Yeah. It it is the thing is like I'm glad that the PS says that he's working on communication skills. I hope that you are also working on communication skills, because like communication skills can never be one-sided. That's it takes two to communicate, at least. Um you know especially with each other. Right, with each other. And so, you know, that trying to figure out like you're saying that you're doing lots of kinky things, does he agree? If no, instead of, oh my god, I'm not enough for him, or you know, oh my god, he wants so much more of me than I'm like whatever, figuring out like, okay, what would be enough for him, and then how do y'all move forward with knowing that it is too much for you and not enough for him?

SPEAKER_00 12:37

Yeah, the pressure put on you too is is tough, like saying that it has to be you specifically, even though you all have an open relationship. That could be some work that he does because there are a lot of kinks you can do for yourself. You can do with a consenting friend. It doesn't necessarily have to be a whole partner if that's not what he's looking for. Like there's many ways to define partner in this scenario.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

Yeah. And hypersexuality is not super uncommon for eighty-aged years. Um, you know, we've got an impulsivity and hyperactivity, and like a lot of us are very sensory seeking, and sex is a lot of sensory experience, right? Um, ideally pleasurable. Yeah, kink is as well. And so, you know, it it's not super uncommon at all uh for folks to have a hyper focus or hyper interest in uh in sexuality.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

Yeah. And it doesn't mean that you should be the only outlet for that interest. I don't think that's fair. I don't think that's fair to put anything all on one. Like, well, Sabrina, I really need to eat every day, three times a day, if not more, but you're the only one I trust to cook for me.

SPEAKER_01 13:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:50

Like that is so much pressure.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

It's so much pressure, especially when like, okay, so are you gonna pay me to be your personal chef?

SPEAKER_00 13:59

Right. And yeah, right, because I only like really specific, intricate things as well.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

So I need to really like it. So you have to make them fresh every time.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

Yeah, just that would be on me to work with uh probably a dietitian and figure out what other options are there that are similar to what Sabrina's able to cook for me sometimes, so that I'm not being like, hey, all these meals all on you every day forever.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

Right. Yeah, I do think it sounds like y'all like explored Polly and you know he says he needs it with you. I wonder what that exploration looks like. Um, you know, and because I think sometimes like it there's something really kind of challenging about exploring poly. Um, there are lots of things kind of explicitly challenging by the way of how like mononormative our like society is, um that I wonder if that might be worth re-exploring.

SPEAKER_02 15:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

And if this is I I don't know, it's it's hard to tell here, but I know in some situations that I've helped folks with this, sometimes the person is looking for a twenty what we call like a 24-7 total power exchange dynamic. And if that does not appeal to the other person, then that is really an unfair standard to hope for and put out there. Can't quite tell from this question, but for some folks that's what's happening, and that really is very different. Yeah, and it is something where I would be like, maybe you need relationship counseling to talk about discernment and like what what will your relationship look like because that's not something you want or can or feel compelled to to provide to your partner. Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:49

Yeah, and like how might each of you be able to meet your needs without stepping on the needs of others, of each other.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

Yeah.

unknown 16:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:00

So the question around hyperfocus, I think Sabrina did a great job answering, like, yeah, there's many reasons. It could be the sensory side, it could be that it's just so interesting. It's also a very taboo thing, which can sometimes draw us in to figure out like, why is this? What why does this get so many people interested? And what parts of me is this intriguing?

SPEAKER_01 16:18

Yeah. Yeah, I also like um sometimes up to a point that like the intensity of it all scares me. You know, I think that that's also something to explore. Like, not that you need to change anything about the fact that you're scared about it, but that if you're interested in figuring out like what about this intensity scares me. Um is there something about my fear of the intensity that is like provocative to my partner? Um, you know, not that he's like, oh, you know, I want you to be scared in like a negative way, but that like sometimes that's part of it. And so, you know, does that then hype up his intensity? And then that like there's like a push and pull dynamic that can sometimes happen. Um, and knowing that that's happening is important. It might be that neither one of you knows that it's happening. Um, if it is happening, it might also not be happening, but like it sounds like there's some really specific things here to talk directly to him about. Um and to figure out for yourself, like just in general, what is it about that intensity that scares you? Is it that he's gonna ask me to do all these things and I don't want to? Is it like he's gonna leave me if I don't? Is it I don't know what I'm gonna end up comfortable with, or I might find that I'm more comfortable with things that I don't want to be comfortable with, right? That I'm I might actually like things that I don't logically want to like, um, which I think is a big thing with kink as well, um, that are all worth exploring.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

And speaking to him or the partner, and you know, if a listener's listening and wants to share this with their partner, in regards to that highly emotional response when you're getting told no or that your partner can't provide that certain kink for you in that moment or at all, I would encourage you to kind of look inward, like, what is under that? Is it some rejection sensitivity? Is it that this is the one place in your life you feel you have control in the dynamic or can let go of control? And so when they say no, it's you're stuck in that same role you're always stuck in, and it's just so distressing. Is it the sensory side, like you really physically need to have certain sensations happening or doing certain sensations? Pinpoint what that is because that's gonna help you figure out how else you can meet it without putting so much pressure on your relationship.

SPEAKER_01 18:37

Yep. Yeah, I think that goes to the the PS. Um, you know, he's working on self-reflection communication, which helps, but uh he's a bit more at ease, and it's not always a catastrophe to him if I don't want to do something kinky or have sex. The fact that it felt like a catastrophe before does hint at some form of a rejection sensitivity or um maybe even some like feelings of shame or uh you know abandonment or or something like that, that is definitely like worth continuing to explore. I'm glad that he is working on that already. Um I think it's it's important to remember that like ADHD often comes with some form of like if someone says no to me, it's because I'm the worst person ever and everybody hates me, and you know, all of these things. And then for something like this that's so uh taboo, um that there's like extra layers in that too.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

I forget the stat, but there is something that says I think by third grade ADHDers get like X percent more negative feedback than their peers, and it's a high number. It's like double digits, I think over 50%.

SPEAKER_01 19:50

Yeah, even just like asking for like I remember feedback that I got so often that I'm sure I've talked about and we'll talk about again is like the does anyone else have any like answer to this or thoughts on this or whatever? Anyone but Sabrina, because I talked so much and they were and it like even that kind of thing that's like not necessarily negative feedback, but just kind of that shutdown of you're interested in engaged with this and it's too much, right? And that we as ADHDers get that message a lot that we're too much, and so figuring out like okay, how can I let him know that he's not too much and what he wants is not too much, but that I am not in the same places where he is.

SPEAKER_00 20:34

Absolutely, and I always wonder too about relationship patterns. So kind of like you're saying, you got that feedback from other people, kind of that subtle, it's passive feedback because you're hearing it, it's not direct to you necessarily. But I wonder what of other if this person's been in other relationships, what have those looked like for him and what was the what did Kink look like? Is this the first time he's exploring it? He's so excited to it hurts extra because he's so sensitive. Yeah. Is it that this has never been a problem before? And so he just can't believe that this isn't gonna get met this time. Like it's so hard to know what those patterns have looked like and how that informs those responses too.

SPEAKER_01 21:10

Yeah. I definitely think that like um if you can figure out, like, I'm a big fan of putting all the cards on the table, essentially. Like, let's just put all the cards out of like all the things that we want and don't want. And then without any judgment, or with at least as little judgment as we can, and with naming it when we feel judged, right? Being able to go in and be like, okay, this is not something I can offer you. Let's work together to figure out where we can get this for you. And maybe that's unicorn hunting, or you know, like maybe it's going somewhere and like maybe he'd be more comfortable if you are in the room and still watching. So if you're not comfortable doing it, are you comfortable watching it? Like, you know, maybe he'd be okay if you like co dommed if it's a dom situation. Or like something like that where, you know, having you somewhat involved, but not involved in a way that you're not interested in, like those types of things may or may not be something that like seeing if you can find that middle ground.

SPEAKER_00 22:12

Strong suggestions. Yeah, there might be some brainstorming to be done in that relationship around what else could we do. Especially as he's working on his own self-reflection, he might be able to think of some more alternatives slowly over time. Yeah. It's tough. That's a hard situation. And in this question, and usually when I'm talking to folks, the rest of the relationship is so good, and this is like the sticking point. Yes. So hopefully this can get figured out for folks who are going through it. Uh there is a lot of misinformation out there, so maybe we should do a little disclaimer. If you go to Google it, like hypersexuality, get that term. Some people use it in an affirming way, and others are using it in like a derogatory way, we gotta fix this kind of way. A lot of these things also get mixed in with like sex addiction, porn addiction, and we are trying to move away from looking at those things through an addiction model. And really with an ADHD or an autistic person, there's so many like rich ways to get curious about what's under this that that don't oversimplify or put it right into the same narrative as everybody else's stuff.

SPEAKER_01 23:15

Yeah. Yeah, I think as much non-judgment as can be had. Um I mean, like that's true for anyone, but especially with like with ADHD, there's there is so much like we have experienced so much judgment, and we have experienced so much negative feedback, and we have experienced uh rejection and all these things, and then you know, rejection sensitivity is is heightened, whether that's from having experienced it so much or whatever, that there is then a really challenging like wall to get through, you know.

SPEAKER_02 23:58

Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_00 24:01

Well, I know our answer is a little bit short on this one, but we'll go continue the conversation over on Upping the Ante. And uh luckily with that one being a little more behind the gate, maybe we can go deeper onto some of the more sexual questions that we've getting that we've gotten asked. And if anybody's listening and has questions, we would love to talk about these topics. We don't always talk about them because we tend not to get a ton of questions about it, but that is something we're happy to share more about and kind of be that representation to help normalize that these are totally common questions for autistic people, ADHDs, Audi HDs.

SPEAKER_01 24:37

Yeah, I would also say um, just to kind of wrap this last question out a little bit, um being willing to like start the conversation more often yourself so that he maybe feels less pressure to be the one starting it. Um, and maybe seeing like, are there other similar things that could be done that aren't necessarily that same thing? So like Kate and I have our um kink sensation flowchart um that is explicitly for figuring out like, okay, if I'm looking for this sensation, what kink might I be able to do? And some of them are solo and some of them are partnered. And so, you know, figuring out how to like this is something that we actually spend a lot of time talking about and thinking about, like it's an interest of ours. Um, but I think that it's one of those really important things when it comes to kink that like figuring out how to be as open as possible to like, oh, this is a sensory experience that wants to be had. How do I meet that more so than like, oh my god, sex crazed, you know, um kind of mindset. And so yeah, we would love to keep talking about this topic and and trying to help folks because there is a wonderful world of kink out there. Um, and and there's so much interplay with mental health and with uh neurodivergence and queerness and all these different things that uh we think it's really important.

SPEAKER_00 26:04

Absolutely. And to get some more good info out there would make me very happy. So that's what we'll continue to do. Yeah. Uh in the show notes, I'll I'll be sure in the show notes to add a link to our flow chart in case people want to check that out. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

All right. Um, yep, shorter episode. Thanks for hanging in there as I am still clearly sick. Woo-hoo. Um expect new episodes here weekly on Tuesdays. You can find Kate at CryptedLearns, and you can find me at Radical Insights Consulting on Facebook or Instagram and at a dot com at the end for our websites. You can follow the podcast on Facebook or Instagram at AcesUpyoursleeve pod so you can interact with us and see when new episodes release. If you have any questions for us, visit um neurokink.org and send it our way. We're gonna jump over to Patreon to record Upping the Ante, our exclusive bonus content. Uh, it's over at patreon.com slash acesupyoursleeve podcast. Uh, but you can also listen to it wherever you stream once you join our Patreon. Membership tiers start as low as$4 on the site. Talk to you soon.