Autistic & ADHD Masturbation

Have you had “the sex talk” lately? We’re talking about masturbation, “sex talks”, and consent on this week’s episode! If you’re wondering if it’s normal to masturbate before or during mundane tasks or if you’re a parent curious about how to talk to your kids about bodies, sex, and consent, we’ve got you covered. Join us to hear the nuances around being autistic and ADHD, and masturbation and sexual education.

We're answering:

• is masturbating as a relaxation/focus thing without sexual arousal, so just masturbating while doing regular paperwork stuff without being aroused by the paperwork a thing, and is it just a neurodivergent thing or not? I've seen some similar stuff about ADHD and masturbation that maybe supports my specific ponderings, but nothing concrete.
  
  
• Hi Aces, I’m an ADHD mom of two young AuDHD kids and I don’t know where to begin with the sex talk. I believe masturbation is normal and healthy but I have no idea when to tell them that or how much instruction I’m supposed to give? My family didn’t talk about these things and I don’t have any examples of how to do this. What do you two think?
• The Gender Unicorn
• AASECT - American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists
• Every Body Book (LGBTQIA+ inclusive children's book)
• Scarleteen (Articles for Teens and Parents) 

To ask us questions, fill out the form at www.neurokink.org/auys

Find more content on Patreon (18+): www.patreon.com/AcesUpYourSleevePodcast

Sabrina at www.radicalingingishtsconsulting.com or @radicalinsightsconsulting on social media (FB, IG)

Kade at www.cryptidlearns.com or @cryptidlearns on social media (FB, IG)

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

This is the Aces Up Your Sleeve podcast, and we're the Aces Up Your Sleeve in relationships, from romantic to workplace, parental to platonic, your relationship with yourself and everything in between. Let us, two autistic aspect kinky therapists, be your secret weapon in neurodivergent life.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

This is your disclaimer. This is not therapy or therapeutic advice, and we are not on the clock. This is for entertainment purposes only. This is not a replacement for therapy. What you'll hear are our thoughts on different topics, what we might do in the situation, and how we've supported others through similar things.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

We're gonna talk all about masturbation and like some specifics around being autistic in ADHD.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

Yeah, it'll be a fun one for sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Before we jump in, uh I did want to let everybody know that if you're not already a Patreon member, you should be. It's pretty cool over there. We have the free tier, of course, and then we've got some paid tiers. But if you're on our Royal Flesh paid tier, then you are invited to come hang out with us on Zoom for about an hour on Sunday, August 9th at 2 p.m. Pacific, 5 p.m. Eastern. Should be pretty casual. Come chat with us. Uh come tell us all your thoughts as you listen to different podcast episodes that we've put out and give us some feedback and you know, share about yourselves. We kind of want to know who's listening and what you all are interested in.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

Definitely. We're it's gonna be super exciting um and very fun. And we appreciate the folks who are already patrons and anyone who decides to become one and wants to come and hang out.

SPEAKER_00 2:01

Yeah. So to jump into today's topic, we have a couple questions. One of them was asked by somebody over on Fet Life. It says, Is masturbating as a relaxation slash focus thing without sexual arousal? So just masturbating while doing regular paperwork stuff without being aroused by the paperwork a thing? And is it just a neurodivergent thing or not? I've seen some similar stuff about ADHD and masturbation that maybe supports my specific ponderings, but nothing concrete.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Yeah. What are your first thoughts?

SPEAKER_00 2:35

Um, yeah, masturbating as relaxation and focus, absolutely. I think a lot of people use it for that. Uh it gets all of your sensory stuff brought up all at once. It gets you more aware of your body. Sometimes people find it very grounding. People find it like gets them out of their head. So it it really depends what you're using it for and how it works with your body, but yeah. I think that that is definitely a thing.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:02

Is it a neurodivergent thing? I would say yes, because I don't know that any neurotypical folks, folks who are performing neurotypicality, would admit that they're doing this even if they are.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Yeah, it definitely subverts neuronormativity.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Yeah, you don't you don't often hear people talking about, oh yeah, I was working on the household bills spreadsheet while masturbating. That's you you don't see that often, but you do see it sometimes in um certain online neurodivergent forums, uh, definitely autistic and ADHD forums. I've seen actually really recently, I think it was in the subreddit Sex on the Spectrum, people were talking about like when they were younger, they would masturbate to get through schoolwork at home, like homework that they've brought home, and that was the only way they could really focus. So if you're out there doing that, you're not alone, lots of folks do it. It just doesn't get talked about much, probably in part because it is considered not neurotypical or doesn't meet the norms.

SPEAKER_01 4:03

Yeah, it's almost like um a similar way in which like not following in line with like neuronormativity, and then also in the way that like kink subverts things as a way to access like pleasure and joy and things like that, it almost feels like the overlap of that to me.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

I definitely also like in terms of relaxation, right? I know lots of people who are like, Yeah, when I can't sleep, I masturbate. And that is what like helps me actually fall asleep and get to bed, right? It's not like the act of laying in bed is is arousing them, but it is just a like, hey, I know that this will make me tired after, and will help me like like you said, like get out of my head. Because I think a lot of neurodivergent folks do struggle with falling asleep because of like for me personally, it's like the constant turn of thoughts, and sometimes songs, sometimes it's an email, sometimes it's a thought for like, oh, I should tell this person that thing, or like, oh, I told this person that thing, and maybe I should like it's those kinds of things. And so, yeah, just something that can pull your thought process outside of that can help you sleep.

SPEAKER_00 5:11

You also see it talked about more frequently in regards to making decisions, where people will be like, hey, especially in regards to relationships or dating or one night stands, go and masturbate first and then make your choice, or then have that conversation, or then reach out to that person. So, although it's not paperwork that you're doing, it's just another way of like, hey, that's gonna help you get uh some clarity or some, you know, release some stuff so that you can figure out is this really what I want to be doing, or am I just doing that because I've got uh all this energy pent up, or because I need certain sensory things met, and I think that's the only way for that to happen.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

Yeah, for sure. It is a very cis heteronormative idea that like all things related to sexual organs must be related to sexual arousal, and all things that interact with the idea of sexuality must be related to sexual arousal, and also feel like it has to go in that direction, and it couldn't possibly go like instead of I'm following through being sexually aroused by masturbating, it might be like this is really boring, and I'd much rather be sexually aroused, so let me see if I can get that started, or maybe it's even I I won't become sexually aroused by this, but like it will at least give me something to do while I try to get through this task, or while I try to get out of my head, or like whatever other thing.

SPEAKER_00 6:37

Also, if we think about ADHD years and how many of us need different endorphins a little more than other folks, masturbation brings a lot of those endorphins. Uh so if you're struggling to get through a task or you're struggling to relax, or you're struggling to get motivated to get up for the day, you know, whatever it is, if that is going to bring you those certain endorphins, it can really help in that regard too. So I could see why folks would do it for a variety of reasons, and it doesn't get talked about, but it doesn't mean that it's not something a lot of people are doing.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

Definitely. Absolutely. Yeah, so I definitely think is it a thing? Absolutely, you know, and if it is helpful for your brain, even if we had never heard of another human being who had ever done this or whatever, I think that at the end of the day, if it's helping you and it's not hurting anyone, then it's a thing. You found it. Good job.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Also, I can't wait for the day when we hear something where we're like, whoa, nobody's ever, I've never heard anything close to this.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

Yeah, it just I think that'll be an interesting day. So we should give whoever writes that in a prize.

SPEAKER_00 7:47

Yes. Yeah, if you think you've got something we haven't heard and you're not just making it up on the spot, we would love to have a message from you and a little info on what sort of stuff you're up to. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

A little like try to stump us segment.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

So, next question is on a similar topic, of course, but a little bit of a different perspective. They said, Hi Aces, I'm an ADHD mom of two young Audi HD kids, and I don't know where to begin with the sex talk. I believe masturbation is normal and healthy, but I have no idea when to tell them that or how much instruction I'm supposed to give. My family didn't talk about these things, and I don't have any examples of how to do this. What do you two think?

SPEAKER_01 8:29

Hmm, that's it's really hard when you don't have a model or like a blueprint. This question is making me realize that I don't know that my family really ever talked about that either. Certainly not my stepmother, but like I don't know that my mother did either, really. Yeah, and it it certainly makes it harder to figure out how to be like that kind of sex positive let's talk about it space.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

Yeah, I don't think I don't think my family, especially not my parents, ever had like a really specific discussion about masturbation or sex. They gave me a book, like one of those old from the 90s books with a lot of diverse body types in there represented. It was all, I think, drawn, like illustrated, and they put little yard stale uh stickers over all of the private areas of the body, which interesting choice.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

Defeats the purpose of the book.

unknown 9:22

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

And they kind of handed that to me and was like, you're a good reader, here you go. And I feel like this was probably fourth or fifth grade, which is a great time. Um the question asker here doesn't specify how young these Audi HD kids are, but I would say this is a conversation to start when kids are quite young and slowly add to it. You know, you don't you don't have to explain to your two-year-old what sex is, but kids get curious about their bodies at young ages, and you might notice they're starting to touch things or rub against things or whatever that looks like, and to let them know that it's okay to do that and where it's okay to do that is a great kind of precursor to the conversation and maybe a little information about washing their hands if they're gonna touch those areas. Um, because what I find a lot of families do is they go, Oh, I don't know how to talk about this. Let me just say, don't do that, or stop it, or that's gross, or that's dirty. And instead, it's much more useful to say, Oh, lots of people do that, but they do it in their bedrooms or the bathroom, and they wash their hands first, you know, giving some age-appropriate instruction and conversation.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

Yeah, I'm a big fan, um, and I'll have to see if I can find it for the show notes, but there's some really good books just about talking in general about bodies and genitals and things like that in like very specific ways with different like ages of very young children, because I do think that that's a really, really nice, easy stutter step way in, right? If your two-year-old knows that they have a vagina, a penis, or something else, then like you can have a conversation around like, hey, like this is this body part of yours, even to the point of like, like my nephew's three, and we were at the pool the other day, and he was like coming up and he loves a spray bottle. He's big on like a and we had an extra one because we also brought the baby in. So that was like we were missing the baby to try to keep her cool and all this stuff. And he comes up to me with the spray bottle and he like sprays me right in the boob. And I was like, Oh yeah, like that's fine. It wasn't anything weird, but like it's very clear of you have a thing my body doesn't have, right? And so, like, oh, let me engage here with this. And then he also went around and was spraying all of us in the knee later on, right? And so you can make things as neutral or as unneutral as you want to in how you react to things, right? And and the way that you talk about things and the way that you name things. And so I'm a big proponent of like name it all. And then that also means that like once it comes to touching self, masturbating, all these things, you have at least a foundation of like, hey, it probably feels good to touch your penis sometimes. That's totally fine. Like, you know, make sure that you're using a water-based lotion or lubricant so that you're not causing any damage, right? Make sure to wash yourself and clean yourself, depending on like what the setup of your situation is. Some nice, like lukewarm water and you know, some like really gentle mild soap. Here I got you the specific one. Make sure that you're keeping clean if you're also going to use these like lubricants and things. I think that a lot of times going into kind of like the safety measures, they'll figure out how to masturbate on their own for the most part. Like, at least that's what I have seen. Cause all it takes is like touch yourself where it feels good. Right. That will feel different to different people, but like then it it's your job mostly to keep around the like safety of the situation and the like health of the situation.

SPEAKER_00 12:51

Yeah, and I would say anecdotally, you know, and based on child developmental stuff, two to four is pretty common for that, like, oh, we have different body parts, or our body parts are similar but look different, or different sizes, or different whatevers. And then around four to six, a lot of people recount their first time recognizing that they were masturbating, they just didn't have the language back then. So if you're a listener and you're like, whoa, that feels like way too young to have these conversations, you know, maybe you're not talking to your two to four-year-old about lubricant, but maybe as they're getting towards six to eight, you know, you're talking more about how you can do that in ways that don't hurt your body. Uh, but it really depends on your kid, too. If you have someone who's masturbating a lot, those conversations might be more beneficial earlier on so that no damage is done and that they understand how to interact with their body. Um, hygiene, we could probably do a whole nother episode on because there's so much misinformation out there on how to clean those areas or the body in general and what to use or not to use. But yeah, I think overall I would say that that the sex talk and masturbation and body talks should start young and just kind of continue and scale up as your kid develops more and becomes a young adult.

SPEAKER_01 14:05

Yeah, I definitely agree with that. I'm also a big proponent whenever there's a conversation that needs to be had, whether this is a parent with a kid, a like set of partners, or a grouping of partners, friend to friend, I'm a really big fan of like it's okay to acknowledge all of the things that you're experiencing as you're doing it. Hey, I'm feeling a little weird because my parents did not have this kind of conversation with me, but I think it's really important that I have it with you. And so if it seems like I'm unsure or like, ah, it's not anything about how like normal what we're talking about is because it's completely normal, right? It is my way of growing up related to this is really different than what I'm trying to build for you as my children, right? Like having the almost like meta-narrative of the conversation, I have found to be immensely helpful in most kinds of like hard, difficult, awkward kinds of conversations. Cause then at least the person is viewing you as like, oh, she's trying to give us good information. And you can even make that age appropriate, right? Like, hey, mommy's having a little bit of a tough time talking about this, but it's not because it's not an important thing to talk about or an okay thing to talk about. It's because mommy's mommy had a hard time talking about this. And so mommy's hope is that it's easier for us to talk about. Yeah. And so, like, you can age it into whatever age group you need, but you can be really upfront about like, you know, I'm finding this a little hard to talk about. Are you finding it hard to talk about at all? Like, how do you feel about this? And having those conversations.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

And definitely giving the reason, like you're saying, because if if a parent stops at, I'm feeling weird talking about this, and then continues into the conversation and doesn't give any context, it's going to imply some things about the topic or about talking about it in general with anybody. So love love the context. I think that's great. Um, this person was saying, like, I don't have any examples of how to do this, and I know you mentioned books. I think books are are great. I mean, yeah, you can just hand it to your kid, but I will tell you, as the kid who had the book handed to them, it was really hard to follow up verbally on that. You know, like so I read it and then had questions, and I was like, hey, menstruation, and what I wanted to ask about was masturbation, but because I was only reading the words and was so nervous, and mom was kind of like, yeah, well, you're like, that's not happening yet for you, so don't worry about it really, and let me know when it does. And and then I'm like, well, I'm never bringing anything up again because one, I don't know that that's was the right word or topic, like something that she's like, that doesn't sound right for what I just read. And then two, that was so uncomfortable and she was clearly uncomfortable, and so we're just not gonna talk about that. Um also if you have autistic kids and you've put those little stickers over the body parts and they're rule followers, they're not gonna peel the stickers. So th they're still gonna be missing some pretty key parts about anatomy and how the body works. So if you get books, make sure you revisit the topic, even if you're handing it over. And you know, like you can, hey, did you get a chance to read some of that yet? Any questions coming up for you? You know?

SPEAKER_01 17:21

There are also some like professional organizations that like um again, the people who write these books who they make handouts, they make uh educational videos. So if you need learning aids, they exist. I will also say, like, there's a place near where I grew up, because like we went there as a class, um, and I was like called like the Pose Center or something, or the Pose Center, I don't remember. And it was all about bodies and like all of these things. It might be worth seeing like, is there something kind of near you or worth like a maybe a longer drive where you can bring your children to have like a full day of let's talk about these things? And where I get maybe where I have struggles, the people who work there, it's literally their job, they do it every day. Like, it is really unfortunately true that the more you talk about a thing, the harder it is for it to stay as awkward to you, right? Like, I talk about suicidality a lot, like in my job with my folks as a consultant, all of these things. And so, like, I have no issue saying the word suicide to anybody ever. I have no issue saying, like talking about self-harming or saying, you know, oh yeah, like this and this and this. And so it is very desensitized to me as a word and like as a topic to talk about, and you can get to the same place with sex, with masturbation, with genitals, like all of these things. And if you are not there yet, there might be people in your community who are who could be having who could help you have the conversation.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Definitely. There are also um, you know, if you're like, I don't even know where I would start, or my community only has religious curriculum or abstinence-only curriculum or something like that. Look up your local sexuality educators or even statewide sexuality educators, because they go and get trained usually through Asect to be able to present that information. And ASECT is the American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. So they're a certifying body and they make sure that everybody has a certain amount of continuing education and skills before they're released into the field with those certificates. So you could always hire one to help you personally, like coach you in how to talk about it, or to chat with your whole family, your kid, you know, whoever. Uh, but a lot of them run groups as well. So you might be able to find some groups, whether that's virtual or in person.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

Yeah, and Cade would know, um, because Cade is Asect certified. So there's some some really good information. And as it goes to like credentialing bodies for folks who don't know, right? ASEC is very, very specific and and requires very specific amounts and types of education, even within the sphere of like sexuality. And so, yeah, really, really, really good resource to connect with anyone who's connected to that. And you're gonna find those being sex therapists, you're gonna find them sometimes being play therapists and being like child centered and things like that, and like that would be a really good overlap.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

Because I know that stuff can be hard to talk about at first, and so sometimes to have a professional step in, you might also be able to speak with your kid's pediatrician. Some of some doctors will be more comfortable than others talking about it in a way that feels uh usable. Um others will just talk about it in a very functional medicine, like here's what this means if you have these issues, come back to me and talk about, you know. Depends on your pediatrician. And we'll put some some books in the show notes. Like one for young kids, the Everybody book, is pretty good, and it's LGBTQIA plus inclusive. Scarletine always has great articles for teens and their parents.

SPEAKER_01 21:00

Yeah, I definitely think because my personal education on this was accidentally stumbling across the pay-per-view channels and when they didn't require a credit card, running that tab up until my parents sat me down. And again, still did not actually have the sex talk with me, but had the stop paying, like stop using our card on this pay-per-view channel kind of vibes. Um, and so I definitely think that like it will happen earlier than you might think it would happen, or then like you might have been told is reasonable, quote unquote, for it to happen or things like that. But if you can just start really naturally having the conversation of just like in general, this is what each of your body parts is called. It also is very protective from a like um sexual predator standpoint. You know, when when kids say, like, he touched my cookie, well, you were having Oreos at lunch, is that like what happened, right? But when when a child says, like, he touched my vagina, like, oh, that's a very specific thing that you've just told me, right? And we need to take actions on that. Um And so already, like, again, just very important to be naming all these things, but it can really help the flow of the conversation when everyone is just used to saying the only reason it feels weird to talk about body parts with children is because we have decided it is. It's not weird to talk about shoulders, it's not weird to talk about arms, it's not weird to talk about tummies, but somehow it's maybe a little anti-fat of uh, you know, anti-fatness will touch the yeah, yeah, yeah, the tummy conversation. But it is a function of us, like societally being built. I mean, I'm talking about the US right now, but being built by Puritans, right? That is why it is hard to have these conversations. And so figuring out, and maybe that also means you do some practice with your friends. Hey, friends, I'd like us to start naming body parts more specifically. So, like when you're like, oh, like this bra is really hurting, it's like really cutting off blood flow to my breasts, right? And like starting to actually use the names for your body parts, even just with your friends, will start to normalize it more within yourself as well.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

Or with your partner if you've got partner or partners, yeah. It also really helps as far as medical things go. Because if your young kid says it hurts down there, like are we are we talking penis, vagina, are we talking butt, butth, hole? Like, what are we specifically where are we talking about? Right.

SPEAKER_01 23:18

Like the groin part of where like your thigh meets your yeah, like what's happening?

SPEAKER_00 23:23

Lots of reasons to use the actual terminology or as close to it as possible. You know, some families have certain names they call things, but again, when you get too far into the euphemisms, it's tough to know what's actually being referenced. And it can add a little bit of taboo-ness or stigma to it as well. You know, maybe well, and also maybe at school they're the kid feels safer to tell the teacher something about their body parts, but they're using that euphemism, and the teacher's like, I don't even know what that what that's referencing.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

So I have heard from some folks that it feels even better to get even more detailed because like so if if it's oh my urethra hurts and not my penis hurts, or oh my vulva is itchy versus like my vagina is itchy. Like, sometimes that is a little bit helpful for some folks who really have a hard time saying the actual word. I also will sometimes hear and would love to hear your thoughts on like, but then my kid is gonna say it in public or in like you know, in inappropriate places. Um, and that's some feedback that I often get when I'm like, yeah, it's important to like use the actual word. And so I'm I'm interested in your thoughts on like, but what if?

SPEAKER_00 24:39

It will make them probably more likely to say a word if they know the word, sure. Uh but also even if they're finding out in high school, their friends are likely gonna play the penis game where you quietly say penis and then your friend says it, and then you say it louder and louder and louder until the teacher catches somebody. And that doesn't matter whether you taught it to them or somebody else taught it to them, you know, or they're finding out for the first time, hopefully not, uh, in high school as their friends suggest this game. But I think if kids are gonna say something that's out there, they're gonna say it. And when they say like a body part, you know, if a kid's running around yelling breast, yeah, it's gonna get some odd looks, but at least they know the word, like the good of what they could use that term for, to me at least, outweighs the momentary embarrassment uh in the store or restaurant.

SPEAKER_01 25:29

I agree. And like, you know, uh my partner works with like an early childhood ed, so with like pretty young kids, and they will absolutely say it, like just in the classroom, you know, miss my my penis hurts, or you know, miss this, that, and the other. I think the thing is that like A, that is still an appropriate use of that, because like they're talking to their teacher who is in charge of their care right now, but also that it's important that we remember that as soon as they start going into some formative of an institution with other children who are not from their family unit, there are siblings, there are older siblings who are whose influence is trickling down into that classroom, no matter what, right? That like even if the oldest sibling is in high school, there's okay, well then they're interacting with this person who's got a younger sibling in middle school who's got like that it will come down in these waves. There really is that like, do I want my child to hear it from me first? And do I want to be able to set the tone of the conversation? Or am I okay with what they might hear on the playground?

SPEAKER_00 26:34

Absolutely. And I mean, I think definitely if your kid is a curious kid and hears something at school and brings it to you, that's a great time to lean into the conversation too. So even if you've been a little too nervous to bring it up and you're hearing this, and let's say later today your kid comes home and you know, like me in first or first grade or kindergarten, a different kid had been she'd been talking a lot about chinas. And I'm like, what on earth is a china? You know, and so I went home and was like, hey, mom, what's a china? Like this girl at school cut she was like, like cups and like plates? Like, I don't know. And I was like, no, that doesn't context doesn't seem right, you know? Like, no, I don't think so. Um and eventually together as we talked, she was like, Well, it could be the China, and then of course it was awkward for her, but she kind of explained that to me, and whatever the context had been, I was like, Oh yeah. But had I never asked, I don't know that she ever would have told me that word until I was handed that book quite a few grades later. So if your kids are curious, if they're saying these words, hearing these words, um, if you're in a restaurant and some other kid starts yelling testicles and they're like, What is that? Where people shushing that kid. Great time to start the conversation, and it gives a prompt so you don't have to maybe feel as awkward to bring it to them.

SPEAKER_01 27:53

And when it comes to, because this person had also talked about like the sex talk specifically, right? That like I do think that there are a lot of ways to talk about the sex talk, almost in a way that you would talk about like just human sexuality in general, right? You can have really important conversations about like, hey, you know it's Pride Month? Cool. Yeah, what's your favorite part of Pride Month? Like, what what do you know about Pride Month? And you can really like expand the conversation to, yeah, so it's it's to celebrate people who have hard to fight really hard for their right to love and be in relationships with the people that they want to and how they want to, and like in a way that feels good to them. And that includes loving and having sex with and not having sex with and not loving different people of different kinds. Let's talk about all of that, and I think that that can sometimes be a nice way to not have it focused so much on like when two people love each other very much, you know, then then here are the very specific sex acts that they will get up to, but instead to have conversations about like, yeah, so what do you know about love? What do you know about sex? What do you know about those intersecting or not intersecting? Let's have kind of all these conversations at once. And the goal is not like to bury anything, but there is actually like quite a complex universe happening around this one thing, and this one thing, like there are a lot of safety pieces, right? And and that go with all of these other constellation points around it.

SPEAKER_00 29:22

Yeah. As you're saying that too, one of the earliest conversations you can have that's kind of in this fear uh is around consent. Start that one at age two. Start that one when they're young and can understand what you're saying to them because they should be the one deciding who they're hugging and if they're hugging someone and if they're getting hugged. They should be the one deciding when they're done eating and interested. They should be the one deciding when the conversation stops. You know, so as you're talking about these things too, if the kid seems uninterested, uncomfortable, or something, letting them know if you want to be done with this now, we can. It is an important conversation to have, and we'll have it a lot throughout your life, but we're good for now if you want to be good and done, and like giving them a feel for what consent is, and then explaining how important it is is very important.

SPEAKER_01 30:18

And you can do that in really like small ways that then culminate into a bigger conversation down the line. The occupational therapist on Facebook talks a lot about these kind of like planting seeds, right? Like doing these like little moments where like I'm even thinking, yeah, like my nephew's three, we're at the pool yesterday, and like there are so many moments where he's like, Don't grab me. Cool. We can't be in this part of the pool unless I can have my hands on you, just because we're like you're three and we're in right. But like if you want to go back over to that pool, we can be anywhere and you I don't have to be touching you. Like, that's all good, right? So you can set it up still to have like, hey, it is safe for us to follow what you're asking for over there. It is not safe for us to follow what you're asking for over here. So, where would you like to be, and how would you like to set that up? Opens its way into okay, I am okay having sex with condoms. I am not okay having sex without condoms. I'm okay having sex with people who have been tested, I am not okay, right? So, like, it is safe for me to do the thing that I want to do like this, it is not like that, and I'm okay with this level of safety, I'm not okay with that level. But you can plant these like little seeds of just like, hey, it's your body. You get to determine what you do. There's also times in which, like, hey, he's splashing me and then telling me not to splash him. Well, if you're gonna splash me, right? Then then we're playing a splashing game together, and I'm also going to splash you, right? But if you don't want splashing, then neither one of us will splash, and that's okay too, right? And there's all of these little ways when you can have these consent conversations over time, it will build into, oh, I get to determine what to do with my body. So when that comes to sex, what does that mean? It means that nobody can do things to you that you don't want done, or if they do, then you need to tell somebody so that we can help you, right? And all of those types of things. And so if they're very, very young, you can start there. If you've got more teenagers and you're like, hey, I just don't know where to begin, you know, I don't want to just throw a box of condoms in the room and walk out, but I don't know where to begin. Like Kate said, we'll we'll add some books, but I do think you can kind of go into it from a consent angle, from a like love and relationships angle, from like a lot of different angles. Yeah, hygiene. I even think like think he's like a a like little elephant or a he's like a little creature. And like maybe with a unicorn horn, and it's like this access of like gender access, right? Where it's like this is all the way male and this is all the way wave.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

The gender unicorn.

SPEAKER_01 32:45

The gender unicorn, yes, thank you. Um, and then it's like here's the sexuality spectrum, right? All the way asexual, all the way allosexual, the um relationship, like, and so it it's a coloring page that has all of these spectrums. That might be something worthwhile to see if you can find a good one of those and print it out and have like a day with your with everybody and be like, hey, let's all talk about what all these spectrums are. You don't have to identify yourself anywhere on it or not on it. You can if you want to, but like let's just have conversations and you can also then figure out like where are the knowledge gaps that I need to fill versus like maybe where have they already learned enough to say, like, oh, I'm definitely bisexual. Awesome. Then I'm like, then I feel good about like this your sexuality part of your self-understanding. Or if they're like, hey, I've never even considered that it was possible because I'm growing up in heteronormativity to have anything other than what does that mean? And then I was like, let's go to the library and check out a bunch of books about a bunch of different sexual identities and an understanding of like where you might fall.

unknown 33:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:47

All great ideas. I I think what we're gonna do next is we'll hop over to Patreon because we have other kind of a rapid fire, really short questions that we can answer again, relating to ADHD autism and masturbation. Uh, we're gonna cover stuff like is masturbation normal when you're in a long-term relationship? How do you figure out if you're quote unquote addicted to masturbating? Needing something visual to masturbate, like all sorts of littler questions over there. And maybe, you know, what I'm hearing too is perhaps we ought to do an episode in the future on neurodivergence and hygiene neurodivergence and periods and neurodivergence and all sorts of things. Definitely incense some puberty stuff. Yeah, yeah. So if that would be helpful to y'all, leave us some comments and let us know. And we'll see you over on Patreon. Um, you can expect new episodes weekly on Tuesdays. You can find me at Cryptid Learns and Sabrina's at Radical Insights Consulting on Facebook or Instagram. You can also add a dot com at the end for our websites. If you'd like to follow the podcast, we're also on Facebook or Instagram at AcesUpyoSleeve Pod. If you'd like to send us questions, you can go to neurokink.org slash A Uys. We'll see you on Patreon at patreon.comslash acesupyoursleeve podcast, or you can listen to it wherever you stream once you join our Patreon. Talk to you again soon. Bye bye.