Aces Up Your Sleeve

What is Gray Ace? Autism, Blackness & Asexuality with Lici Rodgers

• Aces Up Your Sleeve • Season 2 • Episode 21

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Today we're joined by a guest to bring you some great info on greysexuality, Blackness, and Autism. Alyshia “Lici” Rodgers, otherwise known as YaGirlLici on Instagram and TikTok, is a Southern Mississippi Graphic Designer and watercolor artist. She’s a self-described AroAce AuAdhd Semi-Professional Yapper. She has spent the past two years creating content and providing commentary on asexual and aromantic representation in popular culture. Her social media platforms strive to help the Asexual & Aromantic community advocate for more diversity in aro/ace representation on screen, in books, and more.

We're answering:

  • What is gray ace or graysexuality? How do I know if that’s the right term for me? I feel like a lot of them are similar like is demi technically gray ace? Does gray mean I’m on the asexuality spectrum or is gray a spectrum too?
  • I’m new to understanding myself as ace or gray or something and I feel really stuck. Is there really no representation for us out there? I can’t even figure out where I fall on the spectrum and I just feel so lost without a blueprint. Where do I find my gray ace people? 
  • I’m a sex repulsed Black ace femme and I’m so damn tired of being hypersexualized. It makes me feel gross and I get that it’s gross for everyone but it feels extra gross to me. Does anyone else feel this way? How can I stop it?

Show notes: 

To ask us questions, fill out the form at www.neurokink.org/auys

Find more content on Patreon (18+): www.patreon.com/AcesUpYourSleevePodcast

Sabrina at www.radicalingingishtsconsulting.com or @radicalinsightsconsulting on social media (FB, IG)

Kade at www.cryptidlearns.com or @cryptidlearns on social media (FB, IG)


SPEAKER_01

This is the Aces Up Your Sleeve podcast, and we're the Aces Up Your Sleeve in relationships, from romantic to workplace, parental to platonic, your relationship with yourself and everything in between. Let us, two autistic aspect kinky therapists, be your secret weapon in neurodivergent life.

SPEAKER_03

This is your disclaimer. This is not therapy or therapeutic advice, and we are not on the clock. This is for entertainment purposes only. This is not a replacement for therapy. What you'll hear are our thoughts on different topics, what we might do in the situation, and how we've supported others through similar things.

SPEAKER_01

I'm your other host, Cade.

SPEAKER_03

And we have a super exciting episode today because we've got a wonderful guest with us to talk about the asexuality spectrum and being black, ace, and sexualized. Alicia or Lisi Rogers, otherwise known as Ya Girl Lisey on Instagram and TikTok, is a southern Mississippi graphic designer and watercolor artist. She's a self-described arrow ace, Audi HD, semi-professional yapper. She has spent the past two years creating content and providing commentary on asexual and aromantic representation in popular culture. Her social media platforms strive to help the asexual and aromantic communities advocate for more diversity in arrow and ace representation on screen, in books, and more. In addition to posts about representation and intersectionality, Lisi creates some content to make you laugh. She currently resides on the Mississippi Gulf Coast with her family. Welcome.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

Hello.

SPEAKER_02

Thank y'all for having me, both Sabrina and Kate. Happy Disability Pride Month. I hope y'all are having a safe summer. And I'm just so happy to be here. Yeah. Happy Disability Pride Month.

SPEAKER_01

We're excited to have you with us. We love your content on Instagram. So it'll be nice to have you here to help answer some listener questions.

SPEAKER_03

Certainly, certainly.

SPEAKER_02

It's definitely happy to help. And it's crazy because people don't think that their voice like matters to people until you put yourself out there. So I'm definitely happy to help and lend my voice to people that may not feel seen. So that's what we're trying to do. And I'm just happy to be here with you.

SPEAKER_03

That's my favorite part about your content is that like a lot of it focuses on like representation specifically, which as we all know is really, really important. But I think especially that intersection of like black asexuality gets so left out. Like if there is any ace representation, so often it's white folks. And um, like with the black, especially woman experience of like being hypersexualized, like we get lost in the in the shuffle, you know?

SPEAKER_02

Yes. And especially when it comes to like a lot of not even just like we know our representation is very lacking when it comes to just regular uh media, but still even queer media, they don't seem to understand us. And people struggle a lot with integrating our representation into media. But what I see from like books and old TV shows and seeing our creators out there, like asexual and aromantic people creating representation for us, it is so possible. I don't understand why people are trying to make it harder than it is.

SPEAKER_03

Totally agree, totally agree. Well, that actually leads us into um our first question. What is gray ace or gray sexuality? How do I know if that's the right term for me? I feel like a lot of them are similar. Like, is demi technically gray ace? Does gray mean I'm on the asexuality spectrum, or is gray a spectrum too? So I guess our first listener just hasn't seen themselves and doesn't know exactly what this label means or where they might fall in relation to it.

SPEAKER_02

And that is actually a really great question. As most people may not know, I am demisexual. So that is part of the asexual spectrum, which a lot of people like to use the split attraction model, where it goes from all the way from asexual, which is little to no or complete lack of sexual attraction, all the way to allosexual, which is of course going to be on the opposite side of the spectrum. And that gray ace, the base of the term is almost like directly in the middle when it comes to a lot of people.

SPEAKER_03

So like if it's black and white, it would be gray in the middle.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. So that perfect gray area. But as we know, some people can be a little bit more paints-gray. They got a little bit more, got a little more black over there, they got a little bit more white. But of course, this is all like really simple terms for it. And that's where the uh cupial sexual, the apothexual, which is complete zero lack of attraction sexually, that can go for me being demisexual. After like years of feeling this type of way, like I knew when I learned about asexuality, I wasn't completely apotheic, uh apothexual. So when I learned about demisexual and looked on my past relationships, I knew that fit me because I do need an emotional bond to really feel that type of attraction to someone. And through my joint journey, because I came out back in 20 uh 16. Um, actually, no, 2015, because it's about 10 years anniversary last year. I am still learning about it. There's so many things. So getting started learning about that, my best place for resources would be Aria. There's so many creators out there who will share their experiences being on the asexual spectrum. So I hope that does like answer some questions. But for me, I'm a huge book reader. Aria just put out the other A in the LGBTQIA plus, which even though it's a romantic book, it has so many resources for asexuals as well.

SPEAKER_01

Nice. We'll have to link that in our show notes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

So it's sounding to me, and I love having an artist on here to discuss the gray sexuality right here. The pain's gray, right? Like the different nuance. That's my favorite gray, actually. I love using it. It's such a nice gray. But it sounds like to you, Demi and Gray are kind of similar. Like there's like they maybe occupy somewhere in the middle between complete asexual and complete allosexual.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. And looking at the definition for gray ace, it is where you can have sexual attraction, but it can be kind of sporadic. It doesn't, it may not always be an emotional bond, like demisexual. It may not always be a stranger bond, which is the uh, I want to say it's lithosexual, which is the exact opposite of demi on the spectrum. So like you have opposites while on the asexual spectrum as well. Just keep looking at those definitions, listening to others share their experiences, and you might find people that resonate with you.

SPEAKER_03

That has been one thing that I have found on my like journey as well. Like the way that I first started kind of playing around with the idea of asexuality was a podcast that I found that I like have never been able to find again on YouTube one night with people talking about like what asexuality could be and not just like a complete repulsion from sex, right? Like sex repulsed, but a lot of nuance and things like that. And then almost every time that someone makes a post about asexuality, just last month and Pride Month, right? There's like all these flags. And every time I'm like, well, what is that flag? Oh, what is this? Like, and there's like more nuance and more names. And and I love it because it's like, oh, right, there is no right way. And what that means is that there are tons and tons and tons of right ways. And there is likely a community of people who have found the exact thing that you're like, I don't know. It's kind of weird. I just have this weird thing about me that I'm I like things like this. And it's like, oh no, there's so many people who like things like that that there's a flag about it actually and a name for it. And that's lovely.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. I remember during um Ace Week last week, I did I try to showcase like at least like five um different labels and flags underneath the asexual spectrum, which I thought which were lesser known. And I want to say the echiosexual one is the one I actually still get comments to this day about. It's like, oh gee, my loan. And I'm like, that is the feel, that is what I want to see. That's what I like to hear. Like, so hopefully, um, if you find that, I definitely want to check that out because I love uh Ace Podcast and love listening to people like that and like y'all as well.

SPEAKER_03

If I ever find it again, I will definitely send it your way. Um, it was a really good podcast, and I just like I wasn't paying attention to the name. It just like happened to be in the like little YouTube like sidebar thing. Good happenstance. Yeah, serendipity. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01

Well, our next one is I'm new to understanding myself as ace or gray or something, and I feel really stuck. Is there really no representation for us out there? I can't even figure out where I fall on the spectrum, and I just feel so lost without a blueprint. Where do I find my gray ace people?

SPEAKER_02

Ooh. If they want some book recommendations, I do have a few. I actually just got done with one this morning. It made me cry. I read two last year. Um, if someone wants more cozy, where it has like a exes to lover's vibe for demisexuality, it would be Xes and Foes by A.M. Woody. I really hope that I got the name right for that one. But that one was so cute, and it has teenage hijing, saboteur, ex-fest friends, um, and arrow ace and non-binary representation as well. The one that um was, even though I a lot of people like it as a fan favorite, but it's a trilogy of absolute insanity, would be the Foxhole Court, which features a demisexual but not explicitly stated character. A lot of people would actually like to see more like not explicitly stated, because most people want to resonate with the experience and not just like, oh, I'm demisexual and here's all the display inside the book. So this is one that was recommended to me. It's absolutely insanity, but if people enjoy the ride, they might resonate with the demisexual main character. Another one for Christmas lovers would be Kiss Her Once For Me, which is bisexual and demisexual representation.

SPEAKER_03

I love that.

SPEAKER_02

It was so cute and cozy. It was perfect for Christmas. Um, based inside Portland. So if people enjoy a more like Christmas in the mountains, Hallmark lesbian romance, that one's uh one I would recommend. And lastly, would be Kiss Her Maybe, which is Latina and Gray sexuality, more explicitly stated and explored in that one. So if you want one that's more spelled out, has more questions that you want to have like actually answer, like, hey, what if I'm on the gray sexual spectrum? You may look like Googling, someone actually talks about that, like, and they're a TikToker, which I actually really enjoyed because it's like, oh yeah, it came out as asexual on TikTok. Oh god. Those are my faves that I would recommend for gray aces and for dummies as well.

SPEAKER_03

I think that that's where a lot of folks get stuck is there's like this whole big romance. I mean, most of book talk is romance books and these kind of relationship-driven stories. But then it does get, at least for me, it gets really hard because I'm like, I don't really want to listen to your sex scene. Like that's just not that's not where my particular ace heart lives. And so I'm I'm here for like your relationship and the like communication and the the bond that you build, and then I can be open to right again. So kind of demi in my own reading uh experience. And so it sounds like a lot of these get to explore that a little bit.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. The latest one, which is Here We Go Again, which is by the same author as Kisser Once from Me, Alex and Cochran. This one was a bit heavy, it includes um deaf of a main character, which can be really intense and how they go about that because it's a terminally ill character, but also disability rep. There's two types of ADHD in here and dual point of view from those two characters that I know a lot of people will resonate with, especially on the ADHD uh spectrum. If people want to carry some tissues with them to listen to it, I highly recommend Here We Go Again.

SPEAKER_03

I also will add, um, so my my recommendation is a little bit complex, but the very first book in a weird series by my favorite author is Every Heart of Doorway. And the main character in that is Ace. So the whole the whole plot of like the series is the magical doors that children go through. So like the door to Narnia or the door to like these different magical lands. We meet uh our main character as she has just come back. So she was in her magical land, which was the land of the dead, and she's now back and she wants to get back to her land, but she's like stuck. And so it's like a boarding school for kids who have come back from these magical lands, but want to go back there and feel distress of being back on Earth. Anyway, so it's it's convoluted, and the the whole series does not um stick on her, so like every other book is at the boarding school, and then the other book will be in the land with one of the kids, and then back at the boarding school, and then back in the land with the other kids, and then back and forth like that. It is not my favorite fat rep ever in this series, so I'll I'll name that. Um, but there are trans characters, there are black, brown, and Asian characters, there is a fat character. Uh, she's just not my favorite rep of a fat character. And our our main character in the first book, and actually in the most recent book, is Ace. And so uh we also get to see what happens when maybe someone gets a bit of a crush on her and she does or does not have reciprocal feelings and experiences with that. So I love it. It's one of my favorites. Um, that author is one of my favorites, it's Sean and Maguire. Her other series that I really, really love is October Day, and none of the characters in there that I can think of right now are explicitly arrow-aced, but her stories are also not like super focused on the sexual part of the relationships and more on the like actual relationships between people. And so I really appreciate that.

SPEAKER_02

I need the I that sounds freaking amazing, and I need that learn that book because it sounds like whimsy and I need that very now.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, it's very whimsical and like Sean McGuire is a great author if you just need lots of books. Like, so she has four or five different series, I think, running right now. And on her Patreon, she writes at least one short story a month, and she releases a a book in each series every year. And she, I mean, the girl writes the the the girl writes, she writes, uh, she she loves it, and I love it for her. She's autistic, so I guess it's probably her special interest. What's nice is like I think we're on like book 14, 13 or 14 for Wayward Children series, which is every heart of doorway, and we're on book like 20 or something for October Day, and then there she just came out with book four for another series. Like she she just got all these things. She's got an a cryptid series, encrypted. It's all this stuff, but her ace rep is my favorite in the Wayward Children series.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, I need to check that out for sure.

SPEAKER_01

The books that you all are recommending, would you say that those are good for teens, adults, kind of a mick? Like, what do you feel?

SPEAKER_03

Mine is definitely like Wayward Children is definitely like teen to young adult to adult friendly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

For my book, uh X's and Foes is for teens, even like for like I can recommend it for middle school up to uh senior in high school, and then all the rest of them are like college student to early 30s, actually. Especially the Alice and Kalkman ones, they're from ages they range from ages 25 to 35. It's like the ages of the characters? Yes. And it's also some elderly queer rep too, which I think is really great. Um, because want that type of like want to see like features and complications of being queer and growing old. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I love it.

SPEAKER_01

I think that that representation is so important too that you know when you're younger and you don't see anyone like yourself as an elder, you don't know they exist, it's so hard to envision what life could look like or that there could be life for you. So love hearing that there's some of that older representation out there.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, especially when like the hard reality is that the queer community doesn't have enough like living elders, right? Especially in the trans community. Um, you know, there's just like not as many elders as there absolutely should be. Um, and so I'm glad that there are some books with that representation.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, especially for asexuals, because you know the whole like thing is like, oh, I'm gonna die alone. Well, you have to grow old alone first, and you need to see how that can be or navigate. I did make a post about like ages from 25 up for uh asexual characters for people to see. There were some TV shows like little ones like Fosaris from Game of Thrones to uh like 200 years old from like the keeper of lost spirits. He's uh 200 years old immortal in Irish and having to live that long and making connections. Oh my goodness, while also dealing with the dead, which I think is also very important.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, absolutely. I love that. Okay, so hopefully that will be some good places to start um for folks as like ace and gray um like blueprint representation.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, our next one is I'm a sex-repulsed black ace femme, and I'm so damn tired of being hypersexalized. It makes me feel gross, and I get that it's gross for everyone, but it feels extra gross to me. Does anyone else feel this way and how can I stop it?

SPEAKER_02

Me, I'm not a sex-repulsed asexual. That's one of the things I had I learned really quickly, but being hypersexualized still is such a struggle. Like for me, I am a I'm like more of like a curvy like person, been curvy my whole life and sexualized from a very young age inside South Mississippi. So it's such a struggle to compound that with being asexual because you know you don't want to be that person, but people have that perception of you because we heard it the sapphire trope and the Jesual trope, but then you have to combat the mammy trope on top of that. It's like you're trying to find that sweet spot. So yeah, I definitely relate in a lot of ways because you don't want people to have that perception thinking that you may want sex just because you're a black person. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, I also I'd say that my sex repulsivity like uh changes but based on the situation or depending on kind of what's going on. And I I definitely find it like very uncomfortable to be like hypersexualized by I also like think I had like C cups in like third or fourth grade. I've been five seven since like elementary or early middle school. And so like I just kind of had all my gross burts very, very young. And it is, it's weird. It was super weird as a kid, but even as a 30-year-old, it's uncomfortable and strange. I think one of the best ways to stop it is probably to say, no, gross. Don't say that about my body. Being away from people who do that as much as you can. There was like something that we posted that like got some annoying body comments and things like that on it. And so I just like sat and had a block party, like blocked, blocked, blocked, blocked, blocked, blocked, blocked. Because protecting your peace. Mm-hmm. I will also block if anyone makes like body comments on someone else's. So, like if I go into your comment section and somebody is like acting up, you can handle it however you want. I'm gonna block that person. And that way they never have the chance to find me and to make those comments on me. And so that's how I kind of protect myself in online spaces is just like whether they're anti-fat comments, whether they're racist comments, whether they're sexualizing comments, I just block literally all of them to try to mitigate that as much as I can. I think it is really gross, and it's you know, one of the reasons why I think that there's not really ever a reason to comment on someone's body who has not explicitly asked you to comment on their body. Sexualization is commenting on someone's body. If you have to think and feel that way, then you have to think and feel that way, but you don't have to share it with anyone else.

SPEAKER_02

It's weird. Like those boundaries, because people don't people like try to take away a lot of bodily autonomy when it comes to black women and girls, and that try to have like those pre-notions like, oh, she's fast and that she's this just because her body is changing faster than others, especially when it comes to the black community. Like, yeah, a lot of us do typically have more curves than other races, but that does not mean we should have to over police ourselves for other people's comfortability. And so practicing those boundaries and really communicating that and also communicating with your friends that because I remember uh recently one of my friends, they're like, Okay, we might want like we this person was trying to make like a comment towards you because they saw you online and we told them to stop that ish. So having a strong support group that also will enforce your boundaries when you're not able to defend yourself is also so important. And I'm very blessed to have a friend group like that who will stick up. For me, even when I'm not there.

SPEAKER_03

It's really important. And I also think like remembering that boundaries are not what you say to someone, they're what you do. And so, like, if you keep making these comments, and I, you know, I think especially for people who are asexual but still are interested in either a romantic relationship or a queer platonic relationship or or whatever, like the apps, I think, are one of those places where like most of the comments will come in and they're gonna be some form of sexualizing in in weird ways. And so like being really explicit, both in your profile and then also just like again blocking and deleting. Like if you can't even do what I said in here, which is like, I don't want any body comments as the first thing that you say to me, like I want to talk to you and I do not want to be sexualized. If then the first thing you say to me is like, hey hot stuff, that's literally not what I said. I was okay with. And so I'm not gonna reply to you. I'm not gonna let this go further. My boundary is not don't do it. My boundary is you're now blocked. We're not gonna talk anymore, right?

SPEAKER_02

And like those filtered keywords, lifesavers, okay? Those save my sanity.

SPEAKER_03

Yes, absolutely. So what you're talking about there for folks who might not know is that you can go in on a lot of different social media platforms and literally block certain words from coming up, like from being commented on your stuff. Is that right? Yes, yeah, and then also from like coming up and being shown to you.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. We'd been talking about that with a different friend who also owns a business and uses Instagram, and you know, she had suggested, oh, just block whatever words they're using to comment negatively on your physical appearance. And it can be tough sometimes because you know, to say the word fat is not necessarily a bad thing, but if you block it, you won't see any of the like fat folks that are trying to connect with you. It's so tough, yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And also, like, not everyone is like someone told me at one point, like, more treadmill, less nose ring, which is a like Disney channel level insult. Can we just start there? Like, I need you to get way more on it, my love. That's not original or creative or funny. But yeah, how do you block that? Because like I'm not gonna block nose ring. Like it just doesn't make any sense. And so, but when you can, like, I do think that like blocking words like sex, blocking words like breast, chest, um, ass, like whatever, you know, things that you think that people are commenting on that feel like lewd and and and gross to you, I do think that that can be really powerful and help out a lot.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, establishing those like word boundaries so they know not to cross it. Because some people will see that their comment doesn't show up and they might try to reword it in a way. And I sometimes I even was I've received a couple of weird DMs where it's like, oh, well, I was trying to like just talk about this, and like I wasn't trying to be like offensive or I was just coming from a place of pure genuine curiosity or even a mieration, which is great, but that kind of is great because that gives them time to step back and really think about how their words can come off to someone on the internet because we can't really sense their tone most of the time. So you don't know if someone's trying to be respectful or is trying to again like make a pass.

SPEAKER_03

Absolutely. I'll also say my uh one of my number one big ones, and this is works online or in person. Um, I'm a showstopper. So if you come up here trying to say something that I don't like, I'll just throw some like facts about racism at you in a way, like because like anti-fatness and racism and hypersexualization of black women and racism and massage noir, like all these things, like so. I will just like huck a like, hey, did you know that that's actually this, this, and this? Um, and and that usually stops people in their tracks pretty quickly to be like, yeah, like there's actually a a big part of like the whole system of hypersexualizing black bodies and black women's bodies specifically, um, that has to do with like racism. And where do you think that like all of those uh people who used to literally try to enslave other people um but then ended up with mixed children? How do you think that that ended up happening? Oh, right. It's and you just like go into a diatribe about it and people are like, I just don't want to engage with you anymore. It's like great, I didn't want you to anyway. For real. Yeah, I will just info jump on you until you shut up.

SPEAKER_02

Win-win, like let me let me like just dunk on you real quick.

SPEAKER_03

Exactly, exactly. So that's what just like be insufferable. Be insufferable is one of my favorite ways to get people to leave me alone.

SPEAKER_02

Be loud and on a product uh yourself in knowledgeable because knowledge is power in like more ways than one, and I love that. Absolutely. I couldn't agree more.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

Feels like everybody's questions have been answered pretty thoroughly. Um, I did want to circle back a little because there is one other way to interpret the question about where do I find my gray ace people? And I wonder outside of just media representation, do we all have any tips for folks who want to build community or find friends?

SPEAKER_03

I found Lisi on Instagram and I just like put in your comments like, if you want to talk more about this, I got a podcast where you can do that.

SPEAKER_02

Exactly what I happened to. It was funny because I was like, I was like, there's a lot of anti-blackness inside this community, and I'm tired. And that's exactly what happened. And what's kind of interesting about it is I make certain videos to be a platform for others to find things. Like you're not when it comes to what I do, I don't just make a platform for demisexual people, I don't just make a platform for sexual post-aces. I don't just make a platform for arrowaces. There's certain videos that I actually want to create so people can see themselves and others onto the uh comment sections and on the videos. Like for instance, I made a post about being like a sex positive arrow ace, and I had so there was like dozens of comments where it's like, yo my gosh, yes. And then someone shared their story about being on the uh Ares spectrum while also enjoying being a casual, and they're like, holy cow, I didn't know that. And it's like, oh yes, swims be friends, but it's like, oh look at that, look at them, they're they're talking. Um, but also there is slowly gaining traction for friendship and dating uh sites for asexual and aromantic people. I recently uh shared that and one of them reached out to me called asexuals uh.net and aspace love. So you could put in like your preferences, what you're trying to look for, looking for friendships, and of course, like location. So if you want like more like a like a dating app experience without the uh terrible uh uh the terrible like sexualization, those would be ones I would recommend.

SPEAKER_01

Awesome. We'll add those in the show notes too. Maybe we can find that post that you made and link to that directly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I'm like, there's actually like several. I think a lot of the queer ones too have a little bit more space for that in general, um, which can be helpful. But there are also a lot of queer folks who don't make a lot of space for Ace folks.

SPEAKER_02

So we just try to like create spaces for ourselves because you never know, like someone might be struggling with finding those connections, and then you like kind of like open up your space for that. But like it's it's can be like taking responsibility into your own hands to try to make that space for others. I'm still looking for more because there should be more out there. I know Reddit's really popular for a lot of aces, um, but I also seen some other uh Reddit forums that can be a little bit uh exclusive.

SPEAKER_03

I have a harder time with Reddit. I I tend to do most of my social media in on Instagram and Facebook because I'm old, I guess. And we're the same age.

SPEAKER_02

Well, I'm I turned 29 in August.

SPEAKER_03

Okay, well, I turned 30 in February. So um but uh, you know, just I I will say, like, I think taking up space and like whatever that ends up looking like is is the only way to do it, right? You have to be vulnerable and like you said, be in someone's comments and comment on someone else's thing and connect and um you know, say like, hey, like I'd love to message you and talk more about this and see what maybe comes of like direct messaging folks, or um, you know, in the queer spaces that maybe don't immediately have um, you know, aces at the forefront, you can still go into a Facebook group that's for like I'm in a lot of like black, queer, neurodivergent women groups. Wait, we might be in the same group, girl. Wait. Seems likely, seems likely. Um, there's not like a huge amount of them, but there, but there are some. And so, like, just go up and be like, hey, aces, selfies. Let's all let's all put selfies up and let's hype each other up and and maybe you end up connecting with someone there. Like, I have made a lot of my good friendships. I met Cade on Facebook, I met my partner on Facebook, I found my job, which I love on Facebook. Like, I think that there's a lot to be said about finding and making community online. Um, you just have to be willing to be vulnerable and to put yourself out there. It is the only way to do it. Um, and that's gonna be true in person or online. And so I think that's gonna be the main piece, no matter how or where you want to do it, you do have to be willing to kind of take that first step and say, Hi, this is me. I am interested in connecting.

SPEAKER_02

Yep, because you know that old saying, a closed mouth does not get fed.

SPEAKER_03

So certainly not, certainly not, nor does it make any friends because it's not talking or saying anything.

SPEAKER_02

Um my uh twin sister, she actually started doing this, um, which I found absolutely adorable. It's called Happy Mail, and that's also through like Facebook. And when I tell you, the creativity that people are just willing to go out and do and share with people is so amazing. And I think Happy Mail started in the midst of COVID for because people are wanting to have make those connections. Not everyone's gonna be on Animal Crossing, or not everyone's gonna be like a like a booze ninja, if y'all heard about like those booze fairies, which I was that that was absolutely insane. I loved it. Um just putting yourself out there just to like make a friendship is so important. Like, even if you may think you're not able to, like sometimes you could just be like creating and you don't have that much mobility, they could pick up the mail for you, and I think that's really important as well, especially like for like a lot of like queer people who may be disabled, may not may have mobility issues, um, or can't get around because you're younger, stuff like that, being on the internet, or just like having those connections, just putting yourself out there is really important.

SPEAKER_01

That's neat. So for Happy Mail, I haven't heard of that before. Is it folks signing up to like pick up and deliver mail? Is it folks sending each other mail?

SPEAKER_02

People are sending each other mail like pen pals. It's so cute. I I'm stealing her stickers. I've been stealing her stickers, and um, and I used to make uh watercolor cards, especially for like people in need and in funeral homes, um making coping with colors as therapy for people. That has been so great. So honestly, I need to probably get into that because I like making bookmarks when I'm bored. I have like literally like a stack of paper that my job gave me, and so I just doodle on it in my free time. So I probably will send those off as well.

SPEAKER_00

I love it.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I was just gonna ask for listeners who want to join in and do happy mail, is there a place that they would go to like find the pen pal? And could they specify that they're ace and looking for someone who also is ace?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, there is queer ones, there is witchy ones, there's anime lovers. Um, you can find through Facebook, you find the person that you want to like make a mail for, and they could send that out. It's like, oh, I'm looking for this type of uh happy mail, and this is my vibe, like it's like I like personally. So yeah, it could be queer specified. Um, that actually would be really cute to actually make a little maybe we'll link it on.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, we'll link it in the show notes and maybe we can uh make it happen.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, so that would be really fun, like a straight arrows mailing as well.

SPEAKER_00

Just great.

SPEAKER_02

Now my mind's whirling again.

SPEAKER_03

I love it. I love the idea. One of my best friends um does like pen pal stuff and like super cute cards and stuff. And I love card making, um, but I'm really bad at mailing things. And so I have Cade's Christmas card that I made um sitting upstairs, along with the box of like stuff that I have just accumulated that I want to give to Cade, but it all is in a box upstairs instead of having been mailed at any point in the last year. So I always love the idea of pen palory, um, but I know that I will fall short.

SPEAKER_02

I'm the same way. I um my best friend, he lives in Louisiana. Um, and sometimes we get to see each other, we get to meet up for usually like birthday parties and anime conventions. And I had like his mail, I every time I just bought him a birthday gift, I'll keep putting in a box in my car. And I was like, Oh, yeah, I'm gonna do that. I drive by like five post offices and I forget.

SPEAKER_03

Yep. It never comes to fruition, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_02

He will bring me my stuff um too, because we also both forget. And it's like perhaps like, oh, well, Rhett, we're both gonna be at each other's friends' birthday party. Here's your gift, and here's their gift. And it's like, yeah, here's your gift.

SPEAKER_03

Yep. That is uh definitely in person is is the way to get things from me. Um I definitely have to go because one of the tiers of our Patreon, they get mail from us from time to time. Um, and so I'm then I'm next up to do a mailing and uh little secret, I love wax sealing things, and I found a wax ceiling that has our like logo, like the little heart with the yeah, it's very cute. Um, like the heart with the like um infinity symbol. And so I'm like excited to make it, and then it will force me to go to the mailbox because you know our Patreons deserve the things that they signed up for. Um and maybe Cade will also get his stuff. We that remains to be seen. Um, but it's definitely you hear it here.

SPEAKER_02

She's putting that reminder in there to make sure that you can hold me accountable to that one.

SPEAKER_03

It'll it'll happen.

SPEAKER_01

Well, speaking of our Patreon, we're gonna hop over there to record some exclusive bonus content. It's for Hit Me Again, which is now streaming on a private podcast stream for our paid members. So you'll be able to access that if you're over there. If you're not yet, tiers start as low as four bucks a month, and your support helps us fund the main pro uh podcast. We're gonna go talk about being ace plus, so ace and other marginalized identities and our experiences. Probably hear a little more about how you've like made community on Instagram because I think that is of interest to a lot of our listeners. Like, how do we find others that that we can connect with?

SPEAKER_03

So definitely. Thank you so much for listening. Um, we uh really enjoy um getting to have guests on and getting to talk about fun things. So we hope this episode brought some some new interesting perspectives to you. Our new episodes release weekly on Tuesdays. You can find Lisi over at her link tree, link T-R dot E-E. I don't Link Tree, it's Linktree, y'all, um, slash Yagirlecy, which is Y-A-G-I-R-L-I-C-I. Um, you can find Kate at Cryptid Learns. You can find me. I changed my socials, uh, so I'm at the Radical Insights now over on Facebook or Instagram. You can add a dot com to Kate's Cryptid Learns, or you can go to radicalinsightsconsulting.com uh for my website. You can follow the podcast on Facebook or Instagram at Aces Up Your Sleeve Pods. You can interact with us and see when new episodes release. If you have questions for us, we want them. We eat them up like pie. Yum. Visit neurokink.org/slash A-UIS and send your questions to us to eat up like pie. Yum. Okay, we're gonna see you on Patreon. Bye.

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Kade

Co-host
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Sabrina

Co-host